


i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you

by brittyelaine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Episode Related, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mental Anguish, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27461716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brittyelaine/pseuds/brittyelaine
Summary: “Goodbye, Dean.”  Those were the two words he had never wanted to hear.  Not from Cas.  Never from Cas.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 83





	i had all and then most of you, some and now none of you

**Author's Note:**

> That was a hell of a thing. I haven't been able to stop thinking about that scene. 
> 
> I'd like to apologize for this in advance.
> 
> Title is a lyric from [The Night We Met by Lord Huron](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtlgYxa6BMU). Check out my last fic I posted back in September based on this song and the mere preview of this episode if you're into a more established relationship situation. Still sad, tho, sorry. 
> 
> Come hang out with me on [Tumblr!](https://brittywritesstuff.tumblr.com)

The buzzing is incessant, but Dean can’t focus. He can hardly hear anything but his pounding heart and the sounds of his own sobs. _This isn’t real. This can’t be real. It can’t be._ “Cas,” he gasps. “Please.” He drops his hands, his eyes scanning the room. It’s still empty. Cas still isn’t there. 

Dean can’t wrap his mind around it. Just moments ago, Cas was standing in front of him. Cas’s hand had been on his shoulder. Cas had told him… _fuck_ … Cas had told him how much he loved him. “Cas…”

In such a short amount of time, a matter of seconds, really, so many truths had come to light. It was too much to process. He’d wanted so badly to have had the time to process it. To understand it. But all at once, as quickly as the confession fell between them, Cas had been taken. And Dean had been left to pick up the pieces. 

When Cas told him of the deal with the Empty, it felt like Billie’s grip tightened on his heart all over again. _No,_ he’d thought. _Please, fuck, **no.**_

_The one thing I want… It’s something I know I can’t have._

Dean had felt like he couldn’t breathe. _You can,_ he had wanted to say. _You can have me, you can have all of me forever, just don’t do this. Please don't do this._

Happiness… he had kept talking about happiness. Not in the _having._ Just in the _being._ In the _saying._

“What are you talking about, man?” He had tried so hard to understand. They should have been finding a way out. A way out from under Billie’s wrath. _Together._ But Cas had started talking and Dean couldn’t move. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything. He had been so caught up in Cas, in Cas’s words. 

_"Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for **love.** That is who you are."_

Dean wanted to beg him. To stop him. To make it all stop. To keep him. 

_“You’re the most caring man on earth. You are the most loving human being I will ever know. Ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because **you** cared, **I** cared. I cared about you, I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of **you.** You changed me, Dean.”_

_Stop, please,_ he’d wanted to beg. “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” _Please don't let this be goodbye._

“Because it is.” _No. No, please no._ But he was frozen. He couldn't make himself move. He couldn't make himself stop it. “I love you.” 

That grip on his heart had gotten tighter, and he’d swallowed hard. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t find the right words. There was so much he wanted to say to Cas. So much he wanted to unpack. 

Dean had felt sick. “Don’t do this, Cas.” Behind him, he heard the Empty, and he had wanted nothing more than to throw up. To grab Cas, drag him somewhere safe, and figure this shit out. Tears filled his eyes when he’d realized it was the end. When he realized there was no way out of this. “Cas--”

_“Goodbye, Dean.”_ Those were the two words he had never wanted to hear. Not from Cas. Never from Cas. 

And now, left alone in the cavernous room, his sobs echoing on the concrete, Dean doesn’t know what the fuck to do. He loves Cas. Goddamnit, he _loves_ Cas. If he’s honest, he has for a long time. Knowing now all they’d done was waste time; knowing now that his love wasn’t unrequited, knowing now he could have had a life with Cas… He’s never felt like he wanted to die more than he does at this moment.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Cas,” he gasps. Pushing his hands through his hair, he yanked at it, his tears flowing freely down his face. “I’m so fucking sorry.” Sorry for not telling him. Sorry for just standing there. Sorry the Empty took him without letting him know how Dean feels. “Please come back. We can fix this. We can fix this. We always do. Just don’t be gone.” 

Cas told him once he always comes when Dean calls. Dean’s never needed that to be more true than right now. So he prays. He prays and he prays and he prays. “C’mon, Cas. Please. _Please._ ” He’s sobbing harder than he’s ever sobbed in his life. He’s never felt more despair than he does now. Shifting, he falls to the floor, clutching his shoulder. It’s all he has left of Cas now. The bloody handprint on his jacket. 

His phone vibrates again, and he kicks it away. He squeezes his shoulder harder. “I need you, Cas. Please. _Please._ ” All we need is time. Just a little more time together. Figure this shit out. He’s not ready to be in a world without Cas again. He has so many fucking regrets when it comes to Cas, and he wants so, so desperately to have the chance to make up for them. He wishes he had the time to realize that before Cas was taken from him. Again. 

Always the adios.

There is nothing in the entirety of existence that Dean wouldn’t give for this to not be the end; to see the crinkles at the corners of Cas’s eyes when he smiled -- a beautiful, but rare sight almost always reserved for Dean; to feel his hand on his shoulder again… But most of all, There’s nothing in all of the cosmos he wouldn’t give to hear those two simple words again; a soundtrack to Dean’s small respite of happiness: _Hello, Dean._


End file.
